"You're better off without him" they say, but am I really? I don't think so.
I'm half a person now, my feelings and thoughts completely devoted to him and what we had, I know this is short term until this whole messy saga gets filed in the correct drawer in my head but at the moment it's hard to hear, my eyes ready to burst with tears at every mention of his name, my body ready to wrack with sobs at the mere hint of what we had.
I don't want to be without him, without what we had. It was beautiful, caring, loving, special, new, exiting and above all it was ours - no one else's. The world looking in but not really knowing how we felt for each other.
Plus, if I did forget about him I'd have to forget the fun things we did together, as lovers, friends and as a family - and there were a lot, I really don't want to have to forget the special times.
Happy memories that bring sadness in knowing we'll never experience them together again; it's times like these that I wish I'd filmed everything, but I know I'd see the flaws clearly now whilst at the time maybe I was so blinded by love I refused to acknowledge them.
I need some time by myself, some 'me' time, to sort this out in my head. It's so raw and painful still that I need to tend to my wounds and rest.
I need to analyse it, to reflect on it and give it the respect it needs, where and when did it all go wrong?
I want to be selfish for a few days and think about myself, to care for my body and mind. To eat and sleep well, these things are important to ones own well being and I've, well, kind of forgotten to do them for the last 4 days to be honest.
Please don't think I'm not grateful, I am - sincerely, but understand that this has to be done, to make me me again.
I miss him terribly, constantly, without exception and I regret what has happened. I probably always will.
Time is a great healer but at the moment I'm spending too much time watching the clock to do anybody any good.
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