Nope!

'Just Friends' doesn't work. He and I went out for a curry as 'Just Friends' and I ended up sitting and blubbing into my chicken saag, blasting him and his parents with my anger. 1 up to me I think! By the way...a chicken saag should NOT be that spicy...phew.

We were there just over an hour. I'd had two bottles of lager and enough poppadoms to sink a small dinghy and the combination of booze, spice and him sitting opposite me did not make a good mix. After getting to a stage of being so angry that I could no longer push fork fulls of curry between my gritted teeth I demanded he drive me home.

He got the bill and I paid my share - it's only fair, then stomped to the car with arms firmly folded and a sullen look, I waited impatiently for him to unlock the doors.

Silence prevailed all the way home and once parked I asked if he wanted to come in. He said he thought it would be good to have a chat and how sorry he was that I was so sad and angry.

What followed can only be blamed on the booze and spinach...

...We lunged at each other with a passion usually reserved for the big screen and yes the inevitable happened, and it was lovely so I'm not going to apologise. We are both adults and consenting so just stop judging me. And, by the way, I'm not weak...it took a lot of effort to get those boots off quickly I'll have you know.

Once the deed was done we spent a beautiful hour laid in each others arms just chatting and cuddling. At one point I thought he would stay but he has now gone to his own bed.

Nothing was said about recent events, I think we were just enjoying the trip down memory lane and keeping our bubble of happiness intact for the short time we had together. But, I did say that there would always be a place for him...in my heart...and that is the truth.

I don't know now what we are, we are certainly not 'Together' nor are we 'Just Friends' so, if a title needs to be used, maybe we could just be 'Lovers' for a little while until we decide differently. It feels right to both of us at the moment and I hope you all understand that actually I want this at the moment?

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

The single life

/

Well, here I am, single, mid 30's, two children and available. Well, not exactly available as I have two children but you get my drift.

I'm kind of, sort of, coming around to this way of life. Having the ability to do what I like, when I like. Obviously the fact that I am alone still haunts me but I know I will soon get to enjoy my own company. I am already enjoying the peace and quiet and lack of TopGear.

On the TV single life looks amazingly fun... all sexy women with great wardrobes floating around being chatted up by every available (and unavailable - if you watch Desperate Housewives) male in a 20 mile radius, but in reality it's a little bit boring and one can spend a whole evening talking to nobody but the dog. But I don't have to wear matching underwear, shave my legs or tell someone I'm listening when really I'm not. I can listen to my music at any volume without anyone huffing and puffing and I can dance around in my knickers without being laughed at (sorry to my neighbours in advance).

Also, and this is the fun bit, I am free to go out with whomever I choose. Obviously I need to be careful, that goes without saying, but I am in the unique position of seeing anyone I fancy - male, female or other.

I can go to the cinema alone if I want to, there's no stigma attached any more. I'm sure I will have a trail of men following me if I go out on my own but the fact still stands that I can if I jolly well please.

Of course, I have my friend and I'm sure if I bribe her enough she'd come with me, Baileys and chocolate usually works, but I look forward to warm breezy days sat in the park drawing or days out by myself at the beach, just to spend time with me. I'm important and I will remember that.

Who needs someone else when I'm as lovely as I am. I'm beginning to like knowing me and I sincerely hope I like me in return.

Just Friends

Is there any way of being "Just Friends" after you've given the best part of yourself to someone? What does this phrase mean anyway? 'Can we just be friends'? Is there any words in the English dictionary that are more painful to hear after someone has broken your heart?

I heard this today:

Take back that sad word good-bye
Bring back the joy to my life
Don't leave me here with these tears
Come and kiss this pain away
I can't forget the day you left
Time is so unkind
And life is so cruel without you here beside me

 For those of you that don't know it's Unbreak My Heart by Toni Braxton and it beautifully sums up how I feel right now.

He says he wants to be friends and I'm not against being friends at all, I'm certainly good friends with all of my ex's so far, and I am really quite a nice person to know (or so I'm lead to believe) but it doesn't allow me to run my fingers through his hair, snuggle into his naked chest at night and kiss him like there's no tomorrow.

But then again, he knows me better than anyone else in the world and I want to spend time with him. Just friends - in theory - is fantastic but what will it be like in reality? We enjoy the same things and to have someone I trust to go out with would be fun and it would get me out and about again.

Or will it just prolong the hurting? There's only one way to find out...

Photo from Google images

Bored bored bored!

I'm sitting here on my hands because I'm so bored...

Bored of feeling so utterly useless at anything, so unwanted and so alone.

I could just pull out my phone and in three seconds send him a message saying something mournful like I miss him or I love him. But what would be the point? He knows these facts and yet it makes no difference.

I could, in three seconds, start an argument and call him horrendous four letter words but I don't want to do that because I love him still.

I could ring him...but that would make me look desperate. But what can I do? I want him to know that I still want him but to not think that I need him, that I'm a pathetic woman! No I want him to think I'm strong independent woman who is living her life wonderfully without a second thought about him.

He's not coming back, there's too much water under the bridge, too many things have been said and too many lies have been told for us to have a future.

I know I'm getting stronger and these feelings are getting less by the day but I'm not there yet. I will be soon and I can be happy again without the constant thoughts of him...


...that's if the boredom doesn't kill me first.

Alone

Why is it that when you miss someone so much that your heart is ready to disintegrate, you hear the saddest song on the radio?


Every day I listen to the radio but it's only now that I realise they play the saddest songs...
It's a constant reminder of what has happened, Westlife, Beyoncé, even Lady Gaga is reminding me constantly what has happened...and I thought she was my friend!


I hate being alone, I miss him, it's that simple. I miss us. I miss the man who knew me inside and out, the one who knows how to make the smile return to my face, the man I want to share my life with.


Time is standing still, every minute feels like an hour and the sunshine has gone from my life.


I sit, night after night hoping, praying and needing him to return.


Things will get better, I know they will, I have to give myself time to heal but I'm so tired of being miserable, nothing is fun any more and I don't know what to do.


If he were here, he'd know exactly what to do.

I miss you a little,
I guess you could say,
A little too much,
A little too often,
And a little more each day.

Poem from CoolNsmart.com

Grief

Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement refers to the state of loss, and grief is the reaction to loss.

Reading this has made me realise that grief needs be dealt with, faced head on and given respect. No matter how often you try and avoid it it's going to come at you like an angry bull.

How does one deal with it though? I've tried riding it out but it's like white water rafting and bloody scary. I've tried to sneak past it but it's there like the devil on my shoulder "He's gone and he doesn't love you anymore, no one does because you're unlovable" he sneers at me.

If it was a death you'd have the funeral and the wake, people talking about what a man he was and how he will be missed. But all I hear everywhere I go is how horrible my situation must be... Is it? I hadn't noticed!

I've decided that now it is time to stop grieving and start living but where do I start? How do I start to live my life? I'm tied by the shackles of work, children, cooking, cleaning and other mundanes that make up most of my pathetic life. I wouldn't even know how to begin to move on from this.

Ive decided though, that I'm going to go out on Friday. Time to dress up and go out to play. It probably won't ease the feelings of loss but it surely can't hurt.

You never know, something might just jump start me into life again...

Ask yourself this question:

"Will this matter a year from now?"

No of course it won't, I'll look back with fond memories and smile at what we had but replacing the hurt and loss I feel now with feelings of love and hope over someone else. 

I won't remember the arguments, the sadness, the lies or the way I feel at this moment.

This leads me to the next question, when is too soon to move on? I have to grieve - this I know. But what is an acceptable amount of time for this nasty and painful business to carry on before starting the process of filing it away in my mind along with all the others.

Celebrities seem to have the power to move on to the next lover very quickly but we all know these aren't real people and seem to divorce and remarry at the drop of a hat.

The reason I ask is that I've been asked out on a 'date', I say 'date' because we have agreed that if we were to meet it would just be 'as friends' - look at previous blog posts for the reason. 

But now I'm scared that I'll either:

Get there, not want to interact as I'm feeling very low still and feel too embarrassed to leave.

Get there, fancy him and throw all my affections at him, end up sleeping with him and regret it later.

Get there, fancy him and throw all my affections at him, end up sleeping with him and not regret it later, but he doesn't feel the same

Or, we meet, get on really well, we fall for each other secretly but not inform each other and stay friends forever more.

So it's decision time I think, do I carry on hoping that HE is going to realise he's left a good relationship and come running back or do I take it that he's not coming back and move on with my life.

All I know is that at this moment a year is such a long time away and therefore no one really knows what will happen.

Life is about having fun so maybe I should just feel the fear and do it anyway, or should I wait just a bit longer...just in case.

So very tired

Of not sleeping
Of being alone
Of trying to smile
Of being miserable
Of not having fun
Of life

I just wish I could take a break from this never ending hamster wheel of emotions. 4.30 am This morning I looked at the clock, it looked back goading me and laughing that I was still wide awake. I need sleep to function, no sleep = no fight in me.

It probably explains why I've just got home and cried for 10 minutes, that's good...it was an hour yesterday.

Nothing is relieving me of this pain I carry around still. Everything reminds me of him and how he no longer wants me.

The evenings are the worst, quiet dark nights, bed alone then awake till the early hours. Yes I take the pills but they don't work.

I want him there, in bed next to me, to keep me warm, to soothe me to sleep and to smile when I wake up but it's just a false hope that one day he'll wake in his own bed and realise he wants me back.

I'd take him back of course. I love him and I'd rather have something than nothing, whether that's the right opinion to have I don't know but for now it's the only one I have.

Patience

Just have a little patience
I'm still hurting from a love I lost
I'm feeling your frustration
Any minute all the pain will stop.

Just hold me close inside your arms tonight
Don't be too hard on my emotions.
'Cause I need time
My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I'm still healing
Just try and have a little patience.

Life is beautiful

Oh yes it is...never forget that. Just because you don't feel it right now, you will do soon. Nothing can be done that can't be undone and true friends stay with you no matter what. There is a solution to every problem and try not to sweep things under the rug to try and make them disappear.


Why the inspirational twaddle? I hear you ask..


Well, I shall tell you. I've had two very bad days and ended up coming home early to sob my heart out (again) and not being able to complete the most simple of tasks (again). Today I saw my doctor and cried on his shoulder (not literally) for half an hour telling him exactly what has happened and how I feel.


He said it was normal to feel like this. Normal? I've never been normal in my life and what a relief it is to hear, finally, that I have achieved it!


Yes yes I hear you shouting that normal is boring and to define what is normal but hold on here a cotton picking minute! For the last three weeks I have been at rock bottom and to know it is how the normal average person feels during these times was music to my ears and made me feel so much better.


Poor doctor! Even his wages don't cover the snotty mess I was this morning but I got it all out, all the necrotic feelings and thoughts. He sat and actually listened too, which was nice. He had some real solutions to offer too, not just a prescription.


I read a quote today and it went something like this:

 Never regret anything that made you smile

And I shall try and remember this, a wise woman told me not to look back on something that ended badly thinking the whole time was a bad thing and she's right. We had some wonderful times and I shall remember then fondly forever.


She also told me that there is never an ending, just a new beginning.


That wise woman is my Mum, the best medicine in the world x

Knowing when to stop

So, you've met someone online and you're getting on great...

How much do you say about yourself? Not enough and you seem suspicious and dark - shady even. Too much and you can put them off instantly.

But how much is too much? I think "What would I want them to tell me?" and try to go by that. I'm a nosey sod though and would want to know everything about them!

No, I'm being serious and it's a very difficult balance to try and achieve. You've chatted to someone for ages and you need to tell them aspects about your life that actually important to you but how do you know when is right?

"By the way, I have an incurable illness" or something equally as important. You want to give them the choice of still getting to know you but where is your choice? Should you tell them?

Online dating is a mine field and one to be negotiated carefully. One wrong move and KABOOM! It's all down the Swanee. It was nice while it lasted.

I told him frankly and to the point that I am still good friends with my ex husband and that we weren't divorced...yet, I thought it was important, but thinking about it, I've basically told him that I'm still married.

I couldn't lie because that would be worse, wouldn't it? For him to find out down the line, that actually I had told a huge great big whopper of a lie, how would I feel if the boot was on the other foot?  But, how would I feel if he'd told me he was still married?

Anyway, I'll wait to see if I get a reply...

Getting to know me

Now is the time to start getting to know me. I've been partnered since I was 16 and now, 20 years later, I'm not sure who I am anymore.

The problem is, where does one start?

I know what I like and what I don't like...that's easy, but how do you truly find yourself? How do I find the parts of me that I don't like and change them? If I don't like the bad parts how can I expect someone else to like them?

I've started by looking after myself, which is a rarity. Usually I look after the ones that I love and I come way down the list but I've decided that I must please myself for a few weeks and others will have to wait.

I've also started to put my New years resolution into force, these were:

* Stop saying yes to everything
* Consider what you really want to achieve
* Tidy up more

So far , so good. I said "No" to something today and I felt really good about it. It was something that would have caused me a huge amount of stress so I decided I didn't want to achieve it. I also tidied up so all in all, not a bad start to the year!

I've started talking to someone too. Yes, a man. He's very sweet and we seem to be getting on well. He understands about the children and also that I have just come out of a relationship and therefore I don't want to start something just yet.

My reasons for chatting to him are:

* He's nice
* It makes me feel good
* I want to go out and do fun things
* I don't want to have to sleep with him.

I figured that if I met up with the ex and went out 'as mates' I'd end up sleeping with him because I really am that pathetic. It'd make me feel like a loose woman and wouldn't achieve anything - it's not like he's coming back to me otherwise he'd be here now - wouldn't he? You know it and I do too. I'd much rather go out with someone with no expectations but that I have a choice to do as I like with.

Anyway, I said I wouldn't fall in love again but do you know what? I'm not going to sit around not being loved or be in love. Life would be awful and I don't want an awful life thank you, not at my age.

I still want to dream about living in an old quirky cottage, to bake in my aga, to garden, to have long walks whilst holding hands with the one you love etc etc.

I know it's early days but it's going well so far, I shall keep you posted.

Climb every mountain

I'm having a good day so far, back underneath the radar of people's conscious thought where I like to be.

No one is interested in me anymore, I am, quite literally, last week's news.

Things are still a struggle and I feel as though I'm climbing a mountain constantly, even the easy jobs are exhausting. But I put one foot in front of the other and I persevere.

It's going to take a while to get to the top but I know the view will be worth it in the end.

I miss your smile but I miss my own even more.

I hate this, the feeling of complete loneliness, emptiness, no hope or anything to look forward to.

Work, home, eat, sleep, repeat as necessary...no fun or joy to be had in between. I try to smile and carry on but it's so difficult.

Reasons to be cheerful... erm no can't think of one never mind three!

I can think of lots of reasons to stop, curl up and give up but I guess we all go through this. You know from previous blogs that I'm not going to fall in love again and I can honestly promise that I will try not to. I'm in love with him and it hurts to remember we're not together anymore. It's easier to think he's away and I'll see him soon...then reality slaps me in the face to wake me up again and the tears start to flow.

This weekend I've cried more than I have since I was a child and its been a horrible experience and I want it to all go away but it's not going to is it? I know it's part of the healing process and it's doing me good getting it all out.

I looked at myself in the mirror today and I looked awful, puffy faced, unkempt hair and red eyes. It's no wonder I'm single.

I miss his face, his cuddles, the cheeky glances and the electricity we felt when we held hands. It's gone and never to return but I have to remember that is what he wanted and no matter how much I tried I wouldn't get it, or him, back again.

There is so much I miss about our relationship that I couldn't list it all without boring you and I know you get my drift, I'm such a demonstrative person that not having anyone to touch is my worse nightmare come true.

Please hold on to the ones you love because one day you may wake up to find them gone x

One step forward, three back

It was bound to happen, I couldn't stay strong for that long. I rang him.

I feel like an idiot begging him to come back, I knew he wouldn't but I did it anyway. I wanted him to feel my pain, to know how much I was suffering.

His reaction scared me - it was like he just didn't care. It scared me because he'd never been like that before with me and I hate that our wonderful relationship has ended like this.

I know he must be hurting too but was that the right way to deal with it? Today I feel bruised and battered from being pushed away so forcibly but how would I feel if there'd been a flicker of hope?

I must push myself to take a step forward and not fall back. These footsteps will be washed away soon and this will all be a distant memory... I know this for a fact but for now it's almost impossible.

Nothing Compares 2 U

Gone fishing

So, I felt much better when I woke up this morning. It followed a lovely evening chatting to a nice man on an Internet dating site. Yes, I'd gone fishing...again.

He seems to be very nice and intelligent which is very important to me and we got on very well. He asked me out for a date and it was lovely - very flattering. But I realised that I'm far from ready to start again, to go through the getting to know each other stage. I'm not excited and childish about love anymore. Love is a hassle, brings heartache and is an anchor around ones neck.

This may seem a stupid question, but why, when you join an Internet dating site, do men automatically think you are up for sex? Whatever happened to friends first then feelings moving on, people falling in love and they didn't even realise?

In this day and age we are all too busy to be able to meet new people in the old fashioned sense, I don't work with many men so how do I find male friends? Ones that I can get to know, have a giggle with and then realise we have more in common than first appeared. Men I enjoy spending time with just because we get on well. At school I had many male friends but they didn't expect me to sleep with them.

I don't want to lead people on but I'd so like to extend my friendship circle and be able to just go out and have fun without the awkward feeling that I must give the other person something in return. I don't want to have to sleep with every man I meet just so I can go out for a drink or a meal and have them feel satisfied afterwards.

Is there any friendship websites? I know there's meeting places for all different sexual preferences and even for people who want to have affairs but where are the ones for the people who don't want sex? Am I in the minority? 

I shall keep my rod dangling but I know I'll end up throwing every single one back...for now anyway.

Not a nice woman

I'm talking about the biscuit more than the actual physical trait.

Nice biscuits aren't really that nice to most people, some like them but they're cheap, available everywhere and are pretty nasty to look at. I don't want to be hidden at the back of a cupboard forgotten about until one is desperate for a hit.

No, I want to be something special - one that is revealed at an occasion, tasteful, expensive and one that is seen as a treat to be thought about, cared for and enjoyed.

I'm not sure what make I would be though. I'd have layers with a soft and sweet middle but a protective casing.
I wouldn't be something like a boaster, they are beautiful and succulent but no hidden surprises.

No, I'd be covered in beautiful shiny paper to be delicately, carefully unwrapped, to be softly and inwardly appreciated and to be enjoyed slowly.

Your biscuit choice may say something about your personality and I'll be sure to ask any potential partners in the future.

Enjoy!

Self worth - where are you?

I'm looking for my self worth, if you find it please let me know.

It's no wonder, considering what has happened, that I carry a bag full of guilt and self pity around with me.

I dislike me at the moment and I'm not friends with myself either. No wonder it all happened because I don't deserve to be happy...or do I?

Of course I do, I'm being the Devil's advocate here. I deserve happiness as much as the next man, or woman. I would go so far as to suggest there's very few people that deserve true happiness in life.

What if I never find my self worth, what if it is MIA, never to be seen again? What will become of me then?

I know you have to work at and build up your own self respect, but what happens when you hate yourself? Where does one start?

Did I imagine you?

When I close my eyes
I can see you reach out to me
In my deepest dream
I can hear you call out to me
Where in the world are you tonight?
Did I Imagine You?

Did I Imagine You?
Are you somebody real?
That I can touch and feel?
Here in my dreams
I'm waiting for you
Just take my hand
I'll carry you through
Now and then it seems
I can hear you climb the stairs
Opening the door
I realise you're not there
Where in the world are you tonight?
Did I Imagine You?

Did I Imagine You?
Are you somebody real?
That I can touch and feel?
Here in my dreams
I'm waiting for you
Just take my hand
I'll carry you through
Here in my dreams
I'm waiting for you
Just take my hand
I'll carry you through

I need a little time

People are still so nice, plunging me into the spot light, giving sympathy and holding frank discussions about my love life - or lack there of. I usually am an invisible creature, flying below the radar and not really in people's conscious thoughts. I'm not sure I like this new status, it's today's news though and tomorrow I'll return back to my former place in society.

"You're better off without him" they say, but am I really? I don't think so.
I'm half a person now, my feelings and thoughts completely devoted to him and what we had, I know this is short term until this whole messy saga gets filed in the correct drawer in my head but at the moment it's hard to hear, my eyes ready to burst with tears at every mention of his name, my body ready to wrack with sobs at the mere hint of what we had.

I don't want to be without him, without what we had. It was beautiful, caring, loving, special, new, exiting and above all it was ours - no one else's. The world looking in but not really knowing how we felt for each other.

Plus, if I did forget about him I'd have to forget the fun things we did together, as lovers, friends and as a family - and there were a lot, I really don't want to have to forget the special times.
Happy memories that bring sadness in knowing we'll never experience them together again; it's times like these that I wish I'd filmed everything, but I know I'd see the flaws clearly now whilst at the time maybe I was so blinded by love I refused to acknowledge them.

I need some time by myself, some 'me' time, to sort this out in my head. It's so raw and painful still that I need to tend to my wounds and rest.
I need to analyse it, to reflect on it and give it the respect it needs, where and when did it all go wrong?

I want to be selfish for a few days and think about myself, to care for my body and mind. To eat and sleep well, these things are important to ones own well being and I've, well, kind of forgotten to do them for the last 4 days to be honest.

Please don't think I'm not grateful, I am - sincerely, but understand that this has to be done, to make me me again.

I miss him terribly, constantly, without exception and I regret what has happened. I probably always will.

Time is a great healer but at the moment I'm spending too much time watching the clock to do anybody any good.

Light at the end of the tunnel

I feel better today, I slept ok which helps. I played calming music all night to cover the sound of the wind blowing outside.

I am starting to feel a little more positive and know that what I did was for all the right reasons.

My heart is in hibernation, hiding away from the things that could hurt it, which unfortunately also makes me look uncaring to others...I hope this is short term and that the people concerned can forgive me for it.

I know I can move on, that I won't let the past mould me into my future. Lessons have been learnt and fingers have been burnt. I must look after myself and what is important to me.

Memories...

Who makes you feel the way that I make you feel?
Who loves you and knows you the way I do?
Who touches you and holds you quite like I do?
Who makes you feel like I make you feel?

Sweet dreams and beautiful nightmares...

I bought myself a new bed, I decided I deserved it as all my past lovers have slept in that bed and you can't live with reminders like that.
Out with the old and in with the new and all that jazz, I kept the mattress though as its in good condition and they're hard to come by.

I'm not looking forward to going to bed though, despite the fact I have clean bedding and the electric blanket on already. No, my problem is that I hate sleeping alone.

I hate the cold feeling of no one there when you climb in, waiting for you to snuggle and kiss goodnight. I hate the space available to toss and turn all night, I hate not being able to wrap my legs around his or slip my cold feet between his thighs.

I also hate the lack of the obvious...

I don't sleep well, my condition means my brain doesn't switch off enough to sleep, usually resulting in me being shattered all day but unable to sweetly slumber after about 9pm.
I take sleeping pills - every night, I take them about 45 minutes before I want to sleep but then generally it's another 2 hours before I finally settle, when I'm alone that is.

When I was with him I felt safe, wanted, needed, warm and comfy. I always slept well.

Without him I am lost, awake...and cold.

Do you ever really fall out of love?

I feel like a broken doll, fragile and lifeless, the world around me is moving fast like an overflowing river and I feel as though I have lost the ability to stay afloat.

People are being so nice to me, as though there's been a death in the family but there hasn't, this is simply two people that can no longer co-exist as a couple. Does it deserve this amount of sympathy?

Life is moving forward but forgetting about me. I'm screaming out for it to stop but it doesn't listen, it looks back and laughs at my ineptness to move too.

My heart has stopped and is in agony. Do you really ever stop loving someone who you made a promise to?
Love changes (or so the song says) and it does, obviously, otherwise we'd still pine for the ones we lost a long time ago.
But what I mean is, if you've given yourself to someone 100% can you ever claim it all back?
Can your heart ever truly heal or will there remain a scar forever?

“If you love something, let it go...

...If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.”

Is there truth in that saying or was it made up by someone without the balls to call it off?

What about if you don't want to let it go?
What if it's the only thing keeping you on the earth?
What if it's something you treasure with all of your heart and you know you will never be the same if you let it go?

Should you fight for it? Should you sob and flail around or should you be dignified in defeat, walking away with your tail between your legs like a beaten dog.

So many questions and little hint of what is the right path to take. People say that there are plenty more fish in the sea - I don't want a fish, I want my man back...

Being eggnored is no yolk!

Seriously though, I've hardly slept the night due to worry. It's hard when someone you love nearly as much as life itself forgets that you exist.

Just a sign would do, anything at all just to reassure me that they were still breathing even if they no longer wanted to talk.

Yesterday was hard work, back to the grind stone and making people believe I am ok. I mostly am ok, I can survive, I can move on and live my life alone but this nagging thought in my head is constant - nobody wants you.

Today will be hard. I look forward to this evening.

In The Arms Of An Angel

 

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless, and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel, fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel, far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

Fucktards Of The World Unite

I cannot explain how angry I feel right now. 

Yeah, I guess that gives you an idea of my fury.

I know I must keep calm and hope for the best, the right decisions will be made eventually and everyone will be happy forever after...or until the next bomb hits at least.

Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

(Anonymous)

Sounds like a good plot for a film!

I have now been single for approximately 4 hours and have mostly decided its not for me, my beau and I had managed to get over recent (traumatic) events and had come out the other side stronger, more in love than ever and contemplating a wonderful and happy life together.

That was until he told the people close to him  and who have now given him very difficult  (and unfair) choices to make which will affect his future. I'd quite like to pretend we are acting out the story of Romeo and Juliet and that we are two star crossed lovers kept apart by their respective families, we are the definitely the lovers, only we're both in our mid 30's and it's... well one family actually.

I'd like to take a moment to describe how I feel...

I feel like there's a void inside me, as if someone has pulled my life and soul out through my arse and left me in the most excruciating pain, winded and asking myself what is wrong with me?

I am also extremely angry that this has happen, we are now well and truly in the 21st century and things like this should simply not happen. (Unless one of us was a serial killer - then I might make an exception)

I do understand that this is not exactly a tragedy to someone looking in, but at the moment, it feels like one to us. We either carry on seeing each other and he loses the ones he loves, or we lose each other. To me that is the tragedy.

I do hope that none of this leads to any deaths via knives or poisons and that harmony can return once again in my little world.