Nope!

'Just Friends' doesn't work. He and I went out for a curry as 'Just Friends' and I ended up sitting and blubbing into my chicken saag, blasting him and his parents with my anger. 1 up to me I think! By the way...a chicken saag should NOT be that spicy...phew.

We were there just over an hour. I'd had two bottles of lager and enough poppadoms to sink a small dinghy and the combination of booze, spice and him sitting opposite me did not make a good mix. After getting to a stage of being so angry that I could no longer push fork fulls of curry between my gritted teeth I demanded he drive me home.

He got the bill and I paid my share - it's only fair, then stomped to the car with arms firmly folded and a sullen look, I waited impatiently for him to unlock the doors.

Silence prevailed all the way home and once parked I asked if he wanted to come in. He said he thought it would be good to have a chat and how sorry he was that I was so sad and angry.

What followed can only be blamed on the booze and spinach...

...We lunged at each other with a passion usually reserved for the big screen and yes the inevitable happened, and it was lovely so I'm not going to apologise. We are both adults and consenting so just stop judging me. And, by the way, I'm not weak...it took a lot of effort to get those boots off quickly I'll have you know.

Once the deed was done we spent a beautiful hour laid in each others arms just chatting and cuddling. At one point I thought he would stay but he has now gone to his own bed.

Nothing was said about recent events, I think we were just enjoying the trip down memory lane and keeping our bubble of happiness intact for the short time we had together. But, I did say that there would always be a place for him...in my heart...and that is the truth.

I don't know now what we are, we are certainly not 'Together' nor are we 'Just Friends' so, if a title needs to be used, maybe we could just be 'Lovers' for a little while until we decide differently. It feels right to both of us at the moment and I hope you all understand that actually I want this at the moment?

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

The single life

/

Well, here I am, single, mid 30's, two children and available. Well, not exactly available as I have two children but you get my drift.

I'm kind of, sort of, coming around to this way of life. Having the ability to do what I like, when I like. Obviously the fact that I am alone still haunts me but I know I will soon get to enjoy my own company. I am already enjoying the peace and quiet and lack of TopGear.

On the TV single life looks amazingly fun... all sexy women with great wardrobes floating around being chatted up by every available (and unavailable - if you watch Desperate Housewives) male in a 20 mile radius, but in reality it's a little bit boring and one can spend a whole evening talking to nobody but the dog. But I don't have to wear matching underwear, shave my legs or tell someone I'm listening when really I'm not. I can listen to my music at any volume without anyone huffing and puffing and I can dance around in my knickers without being laughed at (sorry to my neighbours in advance).

Also, and this is the fun bit, I am free to go out with whomever I choose. Obviously I need to be careful, that goes without saying, but I am in the unique position of seeing anyone I fancy - male, female or other.

I can go to the cinema alone if I want to, there's no stigma attached any more. I'm sure I will have a trail of men following me if I go out on my own but the fact still stands that I can if I jolly well please.

Of course, I have my friend and I'm sure if I bribe her enough she'd come with me, Baileys and chocolate usually works, but I look forward to warm breezy days sat in the park drawing or days out by myself at the beach, just to spend time with me. I'm important and I will remember that.

Who needs someone else when I'm as lovely as I am. I'm beginning to like knowing me and I sincerely hope I like me in return.

Just Friends

Is there any way of being "Just Friends" after you've given the best part of yourself to someone? What does this phrase mean anyway? 'Can we just be friends'? Is there any words in the English dictionary that are more painful to hear after someone has broken your heart?

I heard this today:

Take back that sad word good-bye
Bring back the joy to my life
Don't leave me here with these tears
Come and kiss this pain away
I can't forget the day you left
Time is so unkind
And life is so cruel without you here beside me

 For those of you that don't know it's Unbreak My Heart by Toni Braxton and it beautifully sums up how I feel right now.

He says he wants to be friends and I'm not against being friends at all, I'm certainly good friends with all of my ex's so far, and I am really quite a nice person to know (or so I'm lead to believe) but it doesn't allow me to run my fingers through his hair, snuggle into his naked chest at night and kiss him like there's no tomorrow.

But then again, he knows me better than anyone else in the world and I want to spend time with him. Just friends - in theory - is fantastic but what will it be like in reality? We enjoy the same things and to have someone I trust to go out with would be fun and it would get me out and about again.

Or will it just prolong the hurting? There's only one way to find out...

Photo from Google images

Bored bored bored!

I'm sitting here on my hands because I'm so bored...

Bored of feeling so utterly useless at anything, so unwanted and so alone.

I could just pull out my phone and in three seconds send him a message saying something mournful like I miss him or I love him. But what would be the point? He knows these facts and yet it makes no difference.

I could, in three seconds, start an argument and call him horrendous four letter words but I don't want to do that because I love him still.

I could ring him...but that would make me look desperate. But what can I do? I want him to know that I still want him but to not think that I need him, that I'm a pathetic woman! No I want him to think I'm strong independent woman who is living her life wonderfully without a second thought about him.

He's not coming back, there's too much water under the bridge, too many things have been said and too many lies have been told for us to have a future.

I know I'm getting stronger and these feelings are getting less by the day but I'm not there yet. I will be soon and I can be happy again without the constant thoughts of him...


...that's if the boredom doesn't kill me first.

Alone

Why is it that when you miss someone so much that your heart is ready to disintegrate, you hear the saddest song on the radio?


Every day I listen to the radio but it's only now that I realise they play the saddest songs...
It's a constant reminder of what has happened, Westlife, Beyoncé, even Lady Gaga is reminding me constantly what has happened...and I thought she was my friend!


I hate being alone, I miss him, it's that simple. I miss us. I miss the man who knew me inside and out, the one who knows how to make the smile return to my face, the man I want to share my life with.


Time is standing still, every minute feels like an hour and the sunshine has gone from my life.


I sit, night after night hoping, praying and needing him to return.


Things will get better, I know they will, I have to give myself time to heal but I'm so tired of being miserable, nothing is fun any more and I don't know what to do.


If he were here, he'd know exactly what to do.

I miss you a little,
I guess you could say,
A little too much,
A little too often,
And a little more each day.

Poem from CoolNsmart.com

Grief

Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement refers to the state of loss, and grief is the reaction to loss.

Reading this has made me realise that grief needs be dealt with, faced head on and given respect. No matter how often you try and avoid it it's going to come at you like an angry bull.

How does one deal with it though? I've tried riding it out but it's like white water rafting and bloody scary. I've tried to sneak past it but it's there like the devil on my shoulder "He's gone and he doesn't love you anymore, no one does because you're unlovable" he sneers at me.

If it was a death you'd have the funeral and the wake, people talking about what a man he was and how he will be missed. But all I hear everywhere I go is how horrible my situation must be... Is it? I hadn't noticed!

I've decided that now it is time to stop grieving and start living but where do I start? How do I start to live my life? I'm tied by the shackles of work, children, cooking, cleaning and other mundanes that make up most of my pathetic life. I wouldn't even know how to begin to move on from this.

Ive decided though, that I'm going to go out on Friday. Time to dress up and go out to play. It probably won't ease the feelings of loss but it surely can't hurt.

You never know, something might just jump start me into life again...

Ask yourself this question:

"Will this matter a year from now?"

No of course it won't, I'll look back with fond memories and smile at what we had but replacing the hurt and loss I feel now with feelings of love and hope over someone else. 

I won't remember the arguments, the sadness, the lies or the way I feel at this moment.

This leads me to the next question, when is too soon to move on? I have to grieve - this I know. But what is an acceptable amount of time for this nasty and painful business to carry on before starting the process of filing it away in my mind along with all the others.

Celebrities seem to have the power to move on to the next lover very quickly but we all know these aren't real people and seem to divorce and remarry at the drop of a hat.

The reason I ask is that I've been asked out on a 'date', I say 'date' because we have agreed that if we were to meet it would just be 'as friends' - look at previous blog posts for the reason. 

But now I'm scared that I'll either:

Get there, not want to interact as I'm feeling very low still and feel too embarrassed to leave.

Get there, fancy him and throw all my affections at him, end up sleeping with him and regret it later.

Get there, fancy him and throw all my affections at him, end up sleeping with him and not regret it later, but he doesn't feel the same

Or, we meet, get on really well, we fall for each other secretly but not inform each other and stay friends forever more.

So it's decision time I think, do I carry on hoping that HE is going to realise he's left a good relationship and come running back or do I take it that he's not coming back and move on with my life.

All I know is that at this moment a year is such a long time away and therefore no one really knows what will happen.

Life is about having fun so maybe I should just feel the fear and do it anyway, or should I wait just a bit longer...just in case.